I love Outlander.
I’m currently re-watching season 1.
I say its on as background noise while I study but that’s simply not true. I’m watching it.
I’m getting all angsty about what Frank is going through after Claire dissapears.
I’m getting all flustered about Jamie and Claires blossoming romance and I’m getting a bit stressed out by how many titty shots there are for a network TV show AND THEN….
My engrossment in the show is abruptly interrupted by something I find to be completely unrealistic and lets be clear – this is a show about a woman time travelling after touching some magic rocks.
But its not that that bothers me.
Its not the fact that Claire FREQUENTLY recalls in great detail things Frank has told her in general conversation (no one listens to their husband that much)
Its not the incessant capture and recapture of Claire then Jamie then Claire again and its not their ongoing positivity despite the impending sense of doom.
So, remember season one episode sometime-after-someone-rescued-someone-else-from-captain-Randall I dunno.. Clare and Jamie have gone to Lallybroch then Jamies’ disapeared on some quest hes been roped into for the pride of Scotland and something to do with honour, probably, and his sister is having a baby (Jamie took her husband with him because hes a nice guy) and Claire has to deliver the baby because the local midwife is out of town and god love her she is always in the right place at the right time
The baby is breach. The labour goes on for what appears to be many, many moons and mum thinks she is going to die a thousand deaths but then a “bonnie wee lass” is born to the world and poor mum is asleep before baby is even completely out yet. What a hero.
Meanwhile, MEANWHILE Jamie has gone and gotten himself captured by the redcoats because of course he has so Claire MUST FIND HIM (fair enough I would).
But she cannot go alone and the only man in the village that could possibly help her is poor old Ian who has lost his leg and cannot travel so the next obvious choice is the woman who gave birth just 72 hours earlier because that makes far more sense than one of the 74-odd able bodied villagers (who we have been informed would do anything for their laird) or the cook or even the fucking guy that bought Ian back but alas; its the mum and her breach-baby vagina who mount a horse to ride the Scottish highlands in search of a 6 ft red head.
Isn’t Diana Gabaldon a consultant on this show? Doesn’t she have children? Wouldn’t she have been like “hhhmmm guys in hindsight, this is actually a bit fucking ridiculous and we’re walking a pretty fine line with what we can get away with already” because I have had 2 babies myself and there are very, very few situations where I would have found myself thinking “riding a horse seems like a good idea right now”.
They make such a show of the labour being terrible and then they make such a show of her riding her horse like its one of those arcade games that is very uncomfortable to win in front of other people.
Your entire nether-regions would be fucking wrecked. I don’t think its even physically possible. Jesus Christ imagine the cramping. And imagine your milk coming in and your baby is not there so your breasts are seconds away from exploding at all times and you’re on a horse cantering through green fields after what I suspect was probably an episiotomy? No thanks.
Your first poo after childbirth is akin to having to shit out a watermelon (while holding everything ‘in place’ with a frozen maxi pad) so I just refuse to believe that poor-old-once-was-lady-broch-tuarach-but-isnt-now-because-Claire-is rode a horse that hard for that long and didn’t suffer a massive prolapse and piss herself repeatedly while complaining about fucking everything all the time.
Feeling rather sympathetic for old Ian who lost his leg and now can never have sex with his wife again because all of her bits have fallen out.
The more realistic thing to do in this show about time travel would have been to leave poor mum and her Vagina to recover in peace while Claire fucked off with one of the villagers or waited for Murtagh (who shows up ANYWAY) or even went on her own because lets face it – if we’ve learnt one thing about Claire Fraser its that she will always be rescued in the nick of time.
Don’t even get me started on France.
Cant wait for Season 3.