“Here are the top excuses I’ve heard for why women aren’t being celebrated on their birthdays and why we need to call bullshit on all of them”
I’d like to talk to you about your wifes’ birthday.
Well, Maybe she’s not your wife.
Maybe she’s your fiance or your girlfriend.
Maybe shes the mother of your children or you just bought a house together.
Maybe you’ve been together for 3 years or 20 years or 12 years
Whatever the situation, shes the person you’re doing life with. She makes you happy. She might piss you off sometimes but you’re committed to her which means that, at the end of the day, she makes you happy.
That’s a nice thing to be, isn’t it?
So yeah, her. Lets talk about her birthday.
Its coming up sometime in the next 12 months. I know right! wow! You could swear she only Just had a birthday last year. Its gonna come around out of nowhere all of a sudden and you are going to be caught unprepared. Granted, you’re gonna feel a bit shit about not putting in more of an effort (OBVIOUSLY she’ll just know that) but you’ve been together a while, it’s not like you have to try to impress her anymore – she’ll be right. You’ll send her a nice text with some xoxo shit on the end. Job done. There’s wine in the fridge… you think.
It’ll be fine.
She says its fine.
……………………NO ITS FUCKING NOT.
If you are reading this and you are nodding your head thinking im on your side, keep reading motherfucker because I need to point a few things out to you.
If you are reading this thinking I must be writing about YOUR MAN then share this shit because I’ve got your back sister.
I have spoken to too many women lately who are in this boat.
Everyday women who don’t expect the earth but have become accustomed not to expecting anything, really.
Women who are happy with their good men and don’t like to complain but see every year in with the same sense of saddening that they cover up with an air of indifference.
It’s just another birthday.
Its sad fellas. It’s a sad, sad fact and we know you can do better (you know that too)
This is not an isolated case – it’s a fucking epidemic.
Lets be honest – the only reason you celebrate anyone elses birthday is because she reminds you too. Because she buys the presents and organises the cake and sends the flowers to your mum that you get the credit for,
So you could at least take the responsibility for this one.
Here are the top excuses I’ve heard for why women aren’t being celebrated on their birthdays and why we need to call bullshit on all of them.
1. I DIDN’T HAVE TIME TO ORGANISE ANYTHING – Bullshit! You had 12 months. Oddly, her birthday is on the same day every year. THIS IS NOT A TRICK. We are not surprising you with this information. Do you know what day the rubbish bins go out? When the grand final is? When the next service is due on your car? Do you know how time works at all? Fancy that! Set an alarm, mark it on your calendar and just remember that saying “I feel bad, I didn’t even get you a card” doesn’t excuse the fact you didn’t even get her a card.
2. I DIDN’T HAVE ANY MONEY TO BUY ANYTHING – Ok. I’ll tell you a secret – you don’t need money to celebrate her. You can sweep her off her feet without spending a cent. Speaking of sweeping – here’s an idea – let her come home to a clean house. We LOVE a clean house. We LOVE being able to sit down and not think of all the things that need doing. We LOVE clean bed sheets without being the only person who ever changes the fucking bed sheets. You know what else we love? Unsolicited foot rubs. Breakfast in bed. Hugs. Cute notes on the bathroom mirror. Whole days where we don’t have to prepare any food or think about whats for dinner. Not having to get up to the toddler at night. Not having to bathe the toddler. Do you see where im going with this? TAKE THE BABY. We love special meals cooked for us or takeaways delivered to us. We love eating ham sandwiches while watching the sunset at the beach. We love not doing the mundane things we usually have to do every day. We love to see you making a bit of an effort for us.
3. I DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO GET YOU SO I DIDNT GET YOU ANYTHING / YOU DIDNT TELL ME WHAT YOU WANTED / YOU SAID YOU DIDNT WANT ANYTHING – Really with this? Are you fucking kidding me? Is your partner a plank of wood? No? Then don’t be such a lazy asshole. She has interests and you should know what they are. If you suddenly find jewellery catalogues strewn around the house – that’s no accident my friend. These are strategically placed clues as to what she might like for her birthday. You might even find things circled inside! Surprise! I know from experience that for the 2 months leading up to my birthday I become pretty vocal about things that I like / need or am interested in.
“Have you seen that new mexican restaurant that opened in town?”
We drop hints like they’re hot so start taking note.
And if you are really truly stuck for gift ideas bear in mind that according to experts – women are supposed to replace their bras every 6-8 months. Yeah. I know right? No one I know does this. So If your Mrs is still rocking the bra she was wearing before your 3 year old was born – a gift voucher for some new underwear (NOT edible underwear) might be just the ticket. Still stuck? Refer to point #2.
4. I WASNT HOME FOR HER BIRTHDAY
“oh then you’re off the hook”
“fuck no” eeebbbbbaaaaay. The post. Courier services. Flower deliveries. Pizza deliveries. email. Call her. Dedicate a song to her on the radio. Promise her a kid free bubble bath when you get home. Come through the door with doughnuts or wine. Shes the love of your life. Post some soppy shit on Facebook. PDA ALL THE WAY (or not – whatever her brand of romance is)
Birthday DOS and DONTS:
1. DONT FORGET (see point 1)
2. DO have cake
3. DONT get her a present that is actually for you. If you think “oh that’s cool. I can use that too / I could teach her to use that / I’ve always wanted one of these” WALK AWAY IMMEDIATELY. Seriously – it’s the equivalent of us putting a box of tampons in your christmas stocking and it wont go down well.
4. DO get the kids involved. They love making cards and gifting us shit we never knew we needed and we LOVE the fact they actually see us as more than just a walking kleenex for a day. Remember, we will never be able to sneeze safely again after bearing your children so be grateful.
It’s also really important you show them how we should be treated – they do what you do. If you don’t celebrate us, neither will they.
I could say that we should all be working every day to make sure our partners feel appreciated – and its true! We should be! But I get it. Life is busy and chaotic and things take over before you’ve even noticed. It’s not intentional. You work really hard. Maybe Youve been together so long that it’s just not a big deal anymore. You already won her over right? Maybe we always celebrate your birthday so you don’t know what its like to miss out. Maybe we are new to an area, we dont have any friends around, our parents aren’t there and we feel lonely, often. Maybe you’re all we’ve got. Maybe we say that it’s all OK, dont worry – we’ll celebrate some other time Maybe next year rolls around and we say the same things again. Maybe we just get stuck in it and we accept it and you think that’s just how it goes because we dont want to seem ungrateful so we grin and bear it even though our hearts are hurting.
But maybe we need to be reminded that we are special because in the face of thankless jobs and ungrateful kids – we forget. We forget our value.
Guys, we’re not asking for diamonds (or maybe some women are I dunno).
We’re not asking for big gestures or love letters and we’re not trying to make things hard for you. We’re just asking for something. We’re asking you to do something for us today that doesn’t happen every other day.
We’re asking for a little bit of recognition, a little appreciation and a little bit of effort to show us that you’re grateful for our existence; That we matter.
That you choose us and don’t just tolerate us – that you see us as worth celebrating. It will make us happy.
So this is your reminder there is a birthday coming up soon that is important, that should be a priority.
Maybe you’ve been together for 3 years or 20 years or 12 years
Whatever the situation, shes the person you’re doing life with.
She makes you happy, and that’s a nice thing to be, isn’t it.